Soft swap vs. full swap: what they mean and how to choose

In the lifestyle, soft swap means couples share anything short of full intimacy with others: kissing, touching, flirting, and whatever else they've agreed on. Full swap means couples are comfortable with full intimacy with others, within the boundaries they've set together. Neither is better than the other. They're simply two places on a spectrum, and every couple finds their own spot on it.

If you're new, it helps to know that these terms describe what a couple is open to, not what they owe anyone. A full swap couple might spend an entire evening just talking. A soft swap couple might be the most fun people at the party.

Soft swap, explained

Soft swap is the most common starting point in the lifestyle, and for many couples it's a permanent and very happy home. What it includes varies from couple to couple. For some, it's a kiss and some dancing. For others, it's quite a lot more. What they share is a line they've agreed not to cross, and the comfort of knowing exactly where it is.

• It lets couples explore the energy of the lifestyle while keeping something just for themselves.
• It's a gentle way to learn how you each feel about jealousy, excitement and attention, before going further.
• It's widely understood. At most events, saying "we're soft swap" is all anyone needs to hear.

Full swap, explained

Full swap couples are open to full intimacy with others. It's usually something couples grow into after time in the lifestyle, once they've built trust in each other and in the way they communicate. Even then, full swap still has boundaries: who, when, whether you're in the same room, what protection you use, and what's off the table for good.

“Full swap doesn't mean anything goes. It means the boundaries are drawn somewhere different.”

Same room, separate room, and other details

Soft and full swap are only part of the picture. Couples also decide how they like to play:

• Same room: you're in the same space as your partner. Many couples love it, because they share every moment and can check in with a look.
• Separate room: you're comfortable being apart for a while. It usually comes later, with plenty of trust.
• Girl-girl or bi-curious: some couples are open to play between the women, or the men, and not other combinations.
• Watching only: some couples simply enjoy the atmosphere, or watching, and that's entirely valid.

How to choose what's right for you

The honest answer is: together, slowly, and with room to change your minds. A few questions help most couples find their starting point.

• What excites each of us about the idea? Be specific.
• What would make either of us uncomfortable, even a little?
• Would we rather start in the same room, where we can see each other?
• What's our signal for "let's step away and talk"?
• How will we talk about it afterwards?

Your answer can change, in either direction

Boundaries aren't a ladder you're meant to climb. Plenty of couples move from soft to full swap over time, and plenty move back. A new relationship stage, a stressful season or simply a change of heart are all good reasons to adjust. The only rule is that you change them together, in a calm conversation, never in the middle of an evening.

How TruLS helps you find a match

On TruLS, every member and couple shares what they're looking for and what they're not, and those preferences work both ways. That means a soft swap couple sees people who are comfortable with soft swap, and a full swap couple sees people who are open to it, with the reason for every match shown on the card.